Effects of an Absent Father

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Introduction

Relating on dealing with, The Short and Tragic Life of Robert Peace there are many instances where I found myself closely related to Rob, especially when he discussed the difficulties that he had dealing with losing his father more than once. Experiences in my personal life have led to me to choose a topic relating not only to something discussed in class but a topic that hits home for  me, personally. I took a closer look into the effects of an absent  father on a young woman and her later relationships with herself or oth
ers. On the contrary, some females do not experiences the same effects as others may. Every situation can vary in some instances, which can results in different outcome for the woman.

For a long time, I have dealt with not having both parents in my life at the same time. However, I did not lose a
parent to death or incarceration. My parents were divorced when I was very young. Therefore, I never knew them as a couple. I have spent many hours in the company of each, i have spent more time with my mother than with my father. My mother and I have become closer as i have gotten older because, she herself grew up without a father. She can very much relate to what I was feeling. This is the main reason that I chose to discuss this topic. She is a perfect example of someone who suffered greatly from the absences of a father figure. She is now able to use what she learned in her own experiences to help me as well. When the issue of fatherlessness was brought up in class discussion, my own situation came to mind.
To some the research that I found may be a shock but to others who have been in the same situation as my mother and I understand completely the findings that the researches presented. I’m very interested in the way people interact with each other, and I’m very interested in the psyche of all human beings but most importantly how we are shaped to be acceptable adults in society.

The sources I discovered reinforced my opinions and views on the topic at hand. In the bibliography below, I have found three psychologists who have closely related opinions and information about the effects of an absent father in a young womans life. Each article revealed different aspects and ideas about deeper effects regarding relationships. Dr. Thomas Jones in his article addresses, standards of men, the vicious cycle of choosing men for the wrong reasons and using sex as a form of love. Marie Hartwell-Walker’s article focuses more on the fathers by explaining the ten basic principles a father should abide by. Lastly, Dr. Korsch, touches on the subject of why a relationship between a young woman and an older man may not work. She explains where the desires of being with an older man come from. Despite their differences being present, all  agree that fatherlessness for women can lead to low self-esteem and diminished self-confidence.

Annotated Bibliography

Jordan, Thomas. “Absent Father & His Daughter’s Love-Life.” Love-Life Learning Center. Privately Owned  Psycho-educational Website, 2012. Web. 17 Nov. 2015.

Dr. Thomas Jordan, expresses his many concerns about the effects woman have when there is a no father in their lives. He states many points that to most would presume obvious such as, an emotional need for our fathers, the fact that the relationship is opposite sex makes the relationship even more crucial because it is the first, of many that a young girl will encounter. The first relationship with a male she is taught, should be without a doubt the best it can possibly be. When the love of a father is not available for a young girl, one or both things will occur: “Grief and a search for her father’s love somewhere else”.

The article goes concentrates on situations where a mother is left to play both roles in her daughter’s life. In some cases, this will work in the sense that the mother can “dismantle her daughter’s feelings of self-blame for her father’s absence.” Yet, if this does not happen, the daughter will look for the ‘fatherly love’, is missing, in other men who cannot provide it to her. Sex will be used as a form of affection/attention. In her eyes, she is receiving some sort of attention and she feels this is the only way men can show her affection. Sadly, this will result in more grief and disappointment. This type of behavior will continue, as it becomes a cycle of bad choices motivated by this unconscious desire to fill the missing father role in her life.

In order to have ‘standards’, women need to be taught standards. Without a father, she will not be taught “who men are, how they think, what they value, what they respect, and how they commit themselves in love when attracted to a woman.” because of this she may become susceptible to abuse. A final observation made by Dr. Jordan, one of which had never been apparent to, was that women who are fatherless may tend to be caretakers of their partners. The reason behind this logic is, “If I take care of him well enough, later on he will somehow return the favor”.

Becoming aware of these issues is the first step to “[letting] go of her frustrated needs for fathering”.On the contrary, he states that it is possible to break this vicious cycle.  She then can “begin to accept the limited but satisfying love now available in adulthood”. Once these observations are made, she can understand why she may have trouble keeping relationships.

Hartwell-Walker, Marie. “Daughters Need Fathers, Too.” Psych Central – Independent Mental Health Social Network. Owned and Operated by Dr. John Grohol, 13 June 2012. Web. 17 Nov. 2015.

Not only are father figures important to a young man but are crucial to the building and growing of a young woman, Psychologist Marie Hartwell-Walker claims, in her article “Daughters Need Fathers Too”. She claims that “Children really do learn what they live”, they are taught what to consider as ‘normal’ and ‘abnormal’ behavior. A father is what Walker calls a “guidepost”. However, the relationship between the father and mother are also highly important. As a young child this is the first “relationship’ we are exposed to that is not one of our own.

She then breaks down what she thinks are the ten most important actions of a father. Such as, becoming close buddies with or going places with her. Walker addresses an important issue, that is seen many times in today’s society, if the relationship with the mother is not corgile, do not shy away from your daughter. Teaching a young girl about privacy, making sure she understands the difference between appropriate/inappropriate touching is important because Hartwell- Walker advocates celebrate her goals and achievements, attend her events and show support. When showing her that “real men can negotiate differences with women’, she will later be able to learn many lessons from the mother and father’s relationship. “In America, national surveys of adults find that nine to 28 percent of women say they experienced some type of sexual abuse or assault in childhood”. Most importantly, treat her the way, you would expect another man to treat because she will only learn to accept the kind of behavior you show towards her or to women around her.

Gabriella Kortsch, Ph.D.” Fatherless Women: What Happens to the Adult Woman Who Was Raised Without Her Father? – by Gabriella Kortsch, Ph.D. Web. 17 Nov. 2015.

Dr. Kortsch, makes it aware, that sometimes the absence of a father may not be intentional. It could be due to work, terminal disease, or an event that would cause a father to be gone for a long period of time. Regardless of the reasoning not having a father is very detrimental to the growth of a  young women. For example, Kortsch finds that a young girl’s self esteem and confidence comes from her father. At a young age, she will begin to recognize her own looks. Rejection and withdrawal in the father can cause her self esteem to plummet completely or never form at all.  Having self-confidence is important when discussing belief in one’s own self. Belief in yourself will result in success in the future.

In most young women who come from a fatherless home life, many use sex as a form of affection and normally do not settle down with one man. Because they are constantly being disappointed by not receiving the love they think they’re intended to receive. On the other hand, some women older men or men who could be the father figure. When an older man has relations with someone much younger many issues can occur from this. Not only is the young women still growing and maturing she is also looking for someone to take care of her. During the process of growth a man who is aware of her problems he will not be threatened by her growing into a woman. However, if he is oblivious to the issue, his superiority will overcome and he will begin to be jealous of her successes as he feels her pull away to be her own person. The sad outcome of a situation like this, is that he will try to beat her down and make her feel as though her wishes and dreams are foolish.

Her final thoughts on that matter are similar to those of others. Any woman can fight these negative emotions and feelings as long as she can become aware that she does have issues. These will be an ongoing battle for any woman who grew up without a father. Nonetheless, awareness is key.To understand what love truly is, she says it “must first be found in oneself”.

 

Who’s the Zombie here?

Chuck Klosterman, a very unique writer takes a look at the interesting new addiction America has to Zombies. In his article, My Zombie Myself: Why Modern Life Feels Rather Undead, he reveals his theories on the matter. His first idea is that for us, zombies have a different meaning then just undead creatures roaming around looking for flesh to eat. For example, Klosterman states ” It’s easy to project a symbolic relationship between zombies and rabies (or zombies and the pitfalls of consumerism), just as it’s easy to project a symbolic relationship between vampirism and AIDS (or vampirism and the loss of purity)”.  His next theory is that, we relate killing zombies to everyday life. For instance, when you kill five zombies, there is a high possibility there will be 10 more to kill in the next 30 minutes. Killing zombies is a tedious task, one that is repetitive enough to become bored with in a short amount of time. He states “in other words, zombie killing is philosophically similar to reading and deleting 400 work e-mails on a Monday morning or filling out paperwork that only generates more paperwork”.

I agree with Klosterman with his idea that “This is the zombies’ world, and we just live in it. But we can live better.” Regardless of what society throws in our direction or how much media we become exposed to on a daily basis, it is still possible to maintain a healthy balance of the two. As technology grows and media starts to take our our lives, we loose sight of the truly important things. I had never linked zombies to social media or daily tedious task but now that the connection has been made in front of me, I can see it clearly. Reading this article raised a question in my mind as well. If we all walk around following each other and craving the new technology, absorbing ourselves with everything the media spits at us, wouldn’t that make us the zombies here?

Work Cited

Klosterman, Chuck. “My Zombie, Myself: Why Modern Life Feels Rather Undead.” The New York Times. The New York Times, 4 Dec. 2010. Web. 16 Nov. 2015.

A deeper look into who I am.

I see myself as a person who is easy to talk to. I can have a conversation with anyone on any subject. Most of my friends would describe me as a good listener. Whenever I see someone (not necessarily a close friend) upset or alone, I find out if everything is okay. I am a trustworthy person, which makes it easier for people to communicate with me. Throughout my life, I have had many events take place that have developed a passion in me for helping others. I do believe I have wisdom and knowledge because of these experiences.

Caring for others is a big passion of mine, which is why my career goal is becoming a substance and drug abuse psychiatrist. My passion and strengths are well utilized at the place I intern: Safe Harbor Rescue Mission. The Mission consists of a 12-month rehabilitation program offered to 6 women who undergo counseling and learn skills to rebuild their lives and a “New Day Program” for homeless women and their children. The latter program is a day shelter, where they serve lunch and women have access to case management or other essential services. I spent many hours at Safe Harbor in the New Day Shelter over the past summer and plan to continue my service until I leave for college. I have many jobs at Safe Harbor: I learned the application process each new member went through and organized many files, I helped with Bible study and life classes, I organized the donation room and made sure we had a good supply of everything, I was an active part of the activities involving the children, I helped prepare the daily lunch, and I assisted some of the ladies in job searches or creating resumes.

Even though I had these many tasks, I had a big problem. I wanted to make a difference, but not just by volunteering. I wanted to do as much as I could for these women and I was afraid that I would not be able to do enough to really change someone’s life. I started by introducing myself and showing that I genuinely cared for each woman there. The more time I spent at Safe Harbor, the more the ladies opened up to me. When I asked a lady, “How are you?” I got many different responses. Some were positive, yet some were going through a lot. Sitting with them and being able to focus my attention on their problems made me realize my own issues were minute. I was building friendships with them just by hearing their stories. I was becoming a part of the family at Safe Harbor. I know it is not about giving great advice because most of the time I gave none at all. For me, it was the fact that simply listening to women made all the difference, and I know my ability to be a good listener played a major role in my personal success at Safe Harbor.

Failure resulting in Success

Often in an individual’s life, they will experience a self-created failure. For some, the failure may not be on a large scale, but for others, like myself, failures can be life-changing. The most important thing to remember when one may make a mistake or fail is that one cannot surrender. In my case, it took a few years to completely rebuild myself emotionally, academically, and spiritually, but I am grateful I did.

My freshman year of high school was spent out of my comfort zone. I had gone to private school every year before, and I was not prepared. At the time, I was also experiencing issues at home with my parents’ life choices. I became a very angry and unmotivated person. I surrounded myself with many negative actions and negative people, which caused me to act out in destructive ways toward myself and others.

The summer after my freshman year, I had a moment of clarity. I knew I had to make some changes in my life because I had let down so many people during the course of that one year. I had barely passed classes, and I had lost sense of who I was. My grandparents, who have been advocates for me my whole life, suggested I go back into a private school setting. As we looked at schools in the area, I found one most appealing. The day we visited this new place, I knew I was home. It felt different. There was a feeling of peacefulness and I could tell the teachers were there to truly help students succeed. I felt God surrounding me in this place.

When I moved to University Christian, the work load was much different than any previous school I had attended. At this point, it was all up to me. I had a choice to take control of the situation and appreciate my new opportunities. I knew I was the only one who could get my life together. No one else was going to do it for me, it was up to me.

Completely starting over was not an easy thing to do; however, I owed it to myself to try. Moreover, I wondered how I could repair the damage I had done to myself emotionally. At first, getting used to having hours of homework was difficult. I had to teach myself how to prioritize: I didn’t go anywhere on the weekend to get a paper done two weeks before it was actually due. I taught myself the concept that getting things done early was better than waiting until the last minute. To this day, I still have that same outlook on my school work and in my personal life—I get things done. I don’t put things off anymore the way I used to, and breaking that habit was not easy. However, because I worked hard, I have developed a skill that will benefit me for the rest of my life. In addition to my academic refocusing, I also worked on my social decision. Separating myself from negative people was hard at first because I was afraid that new friends would not understand me. However, I was wrong. I did actually make some good friends. These people understood me and understood my new focus. They were there for me, encouraged me to do better, and enabled me to trust people again.

I do believe everything happens for a reason, even if it doesn’t make sense at the time. I know who I am. I know what stand for. Most importantly, I know how strong I am. I became a better student and I genuinely enjoy learning. I have a passion for helping people, especially in hard times. New obstacles will arise, but I know I am ready to tackle issues and deal with whatever is thrown my way because failed and had to recover on my own.

Music as a gateway

http://books.simonandschuster.com/

“Jackie’s hypothesis regarding fathers and sons had proved correct: the boy had a powerful connection with his father, and Skeet was generous with his time and money. But what she hadn’t accounted for was the fact that, by the architecture of her design, the three of them were rarely together. Rob was at day care, or with her and her family, or with Skeet. And so the mannerisms he picked up from each of them appeared abruptly, often abrasively, to the other. The toddler’s mind had incredible suction, as his father’s did. When he spontaneously recited Go, Dog. Go! rhymes in Skeet’s car, his father came back to Jackie wondering loudly why his son’s head was being saturated by stories involving canines picnicking in tree canopies (dogs around here were often fierce creatures bred for their aggressiveness, not to be treated so lightly). When Jackie put Rob to bed with a book and heard him instead singing himself to sleep with Grandmaster Flash and the Fabulous Five lyrics, she winced. Skeet saw his three-year-old son being bullied on the playground, timid around older people, quiet when other boys were loud; Jackie saw the same son pushing another child at day-care drop-off and grabbing his toy truck.”(8)

This excerpt comes from the first chapter of The Short and Tragic Life of Robert Peace.

In this chapter of the book, we, the readers are being shown how Robert Peace came to be a flesh and blood. Jeff Hobbs also explains the very unique circumstances regarding the relationship of the mother and father. In most cases, a single mother is in fact a single mother. However, in a this situation “Skeet [is] generous with his time and money“.  The reader is able to deeply understand why she refuses to marry the man because the work she knew he was involved in.

In the excerpt above, Jeff Hobbs, does his very best at showing the great bond between Rob and his father. Yet, Jackie on the other hand, has some issues with the way she feels Skeet is rubbing off onto her young son. The problem comes about when she realizes, the young Robert Peace is already being subjected to very intense music by Skeet. From such a young age, Ron’s head is filled with all the negativity of the world around him, however not just by the type of music his father chose to play in the car. Jackie and Skeet both see different characteristics when they look at there son. Nonetheless, neither of them can see the future that lay ahead for him. Robert Peace’s bad habits did not directly come from the music he was subjected to. However, it did open doors that would never be able to be closed again.

Works cited:

Hobbs, Jeff. The Short and Tragic Life of Robert Peace: A Brilliant Young Man Who Left Newark for the Ivy League. Print.

Blogs: Distraction or Benefit

Matt Richtel’s “Blogs vs. Term Papers” discusses the controversy of using technology, in this case blog post, as opposed to the traditional term paper, in a classroom setting. In his research, Richtel received the opinions of many different individuals from multiple institutions. A few of his sources are currently conducting studies of their own on this topic. The responses he received varied.  Some view this as beneficial and a more productive way of learning to write for students. Others, however, disagree by clinging to the “old literacy.” They believe blog posts cannot teach thinking and writing as accurately.  I am currently, experiencing the use of blog posting in an English class for the first time, and so far I enjoy this use of technology in the classroom. Nonetheless, I attend a high school that uses technology on a daily basis. Having a working laptop, available to use during the school is in fact a part of the supply list at the beginning of each year. Personally, I have never used blogs until now. But I do believe as the semester continues my writing capabilities will expand drastically.

Online blogging as opposed to writing term papers has more advantages than disadvantages.  For example, Cathy N. Davidson states her liking by using new technology such as blogs, in her English classes. She claims to assign a blog post of about 500- 1500 words in her class rather than term papers every quarter.  However, this does not necessarily mean they are writing any less because there could possibly be a blog post every week. Regardless of this factor, writing less at a time, but more often can enhance the quality of a student’s writing. Not only does it have the quality over quantity affect but writing online can have a superior appeal for a student that is not one to enjoy writing papers. Blog posting allows the information or research to become personal. There may be guidelines to what is included in the writing; yet, blogs allow a student to be creative with the look of their own website.

Having this as an option can allow students to have more of a desire about writing and not dreading their term papers.  Another advantage of the idea of blogging could be organization. Having less hardcopy papers to worry about from the perspective of a teacher or student can be a hassle. With blogging, everything is at the touch of a button. For students who may not be good at keeping up with papers, they may do better in a class where the assignments are done online. Not only can you have the information saved in a file but online as well. As for teachers, this could also be easier to keep organized.

Davidson is not the only one who agrees with the incorporating technology into the classroom. After conducting her own research, Andrea A. Lunsford states, that she believes students can become more involved and passionate about their writing as opposed to only completing a term paper solely for a grade. “We’re at a crux right now of where we have to figure out as teachers what part of the old literacy is worth preserving,” explains Lunsford. She makes a valid point by saying because we need to have a balance between that of the old literacy and the new. When posting to a blog, all writing is available for the public to see. For students, this could be a sense of motivation if they know there is an audience.

Although it is true that a balance should be made between learning new and old ways, it is crucial that students in the education systems should be familiar with technology in a business aspect. Professor Lunsford uses this concept in her curriculum. She first has her students write a fifteen page paper, and then they use those thoughts to create new media presentations, such as power points, websites and blogs. Lunsford goes on to explain her struggles with the school she is currently teaching at  “Stanford’s writing program won’t be making that change right away, since our students still seem to benefit from learning how to present their research findings in both traditional print and new media.” Many teachers in today’s society are facing these issues. Professor Davidson tells Richtel that “I was basically kicked out of the writing program for thinking that was more important than writing a five-paragraph essay,” Many could argue that using a large amount of technology in the classroom could be distracting. On the other hand, students in higher education need to take responsibility for their own self and should be able to work diligently without being told. In the job world, having the skill of converting thoughts into a digital presentation is important.

Another opinion Richtel received was from an author and founder of The Concord Review, William H. Fitzhugh.  His thoughts on the topic were different then both sides of using either blogs or term papers. His suggestion was to increase the amount of reading students are doing in school. In his eyes, reading more will produce better writing. However, this is not true in all situations, because personally the quality of writing is better when I am interested about the topic or able to express myself in a different way than a 15 page paper on something I could care less about. This needs to be taken into consideration by teachers who oppose the idea of ditching term papers. Not only do term papers cause an extreme amount of stress and take weeks to complete. The quality of the paper more than likely is not as good as it could be.  He also throws out an idea of creating a system called “page a year” meaning the grade number a student is in determines the length of the paper. Even so, Fitzhugh’s idea could possibly work; it is not the sole solution to the problem.

I do not believe the term paper should be diminished completely, I agree that that technology, in this case blogs and term papers, should be used in combination as a way to teach students how to articulate thoughts in both ways. Having the skill to write exceptional papers is beneficial; although it is also important to turn have the knowledge to turn those thoughts into a presentation in a professional manner. Despite the conflict between the two sides of this argument, both can agree that the world is becoming more focused on technology than ever before. Which means, educating students, especially college students, on how to express ideas and concepts using new media and technology.

Works Cited

Richtel, Matt. “Blogs vs. Term Papers.” The New York Times. The New York Times, 21 Jan. 2012. Web. 23 Sept. 2015.

Jaki Green’s “i know the grandmother one had hands”

Jaki Shelton Green’s poem “i know the grandmother one had hands” expresses an emotional connection between a young person and a grandmother. However, the author does not specifically refer to “a grandmother” in a general sense or “my grandmother” as a way of telling about a personal memory. She states repeatedly the task of her busy grandmother and how amazed by her she is. Even though, she does not use these words in her writing, a reader is still able to reminisce about their own grandmother.

By saying “the grandmother one”, it could also be interpreted as there being only one grandmother like this, meaning she is one of a kind. This could tie into the reason why she uses “i”. Doing so would pose more importance in herself than in the grandmother. It is made clear after reading the poem that “the grandmother one” is well respected, hence the need for being viewed as more important than the writer. I believe she does not she “my” as a way to set a different tone. She wants the reader to feel as though they can place themselves as the writer of the poem. When using a possession word such as “my” it constricts the reader by not allowing him/her to make an association with their own grandmother. Nonetheless, at the end of the poem, I get a sense that maybe “the grandmother one” was depressed or distant from others because she states ” i know the grandmother one had hands but they were always inside the cloud poking holes for the rain to fall.” After listing off many good traits, there would not be a logical reason to say “but”. This shows that yes she was always busy, yet her mind was somewhere else. Personally, I came to the conclusion that Green’s poem is not only a remembrance of “the grandmother one”, but a way to express empathy for her as well.

http://visitingwriters.lr.edu/the-authors